i will never regret running into the freeway.
if i am gasping for air, pressing my palms against my chest, holding myself together, you will never find me wishing i hadn't done it. if i am sticking my fingers in my sides to staunch the bleeding, limping down gravel roads, barefoot and wild-eyed, you will only see me grimace and smile. tell you it was a hell of a ride. tell you when that car collided with my kneecaps, i tasted heaven in the wind yanked from my lungs.
and you won't ever find me lamenting jumping into the fire.
if i am smoldering and smoking, licking charcoal-lips and spitting out ash, you will never once hear me whispering it would have been better if i hadn't. if i am beating out my own flames, stitching my own sides up, holding my own hand, you will only watch me grit my teeth and laugh. tell you that it was like having my bones dance. tell you that when the fire licked around my torso, i knew what it meant to be alive.
because i know, someday i'm going to find someone who'll be there to help me bandage the wounds. someday, i'm going to find someone who will kiss my cheek and press the corner of my lips up with his thumbs. someone who'll run fingertips over each individual scar and burn and broken bone and know that those are the fragmented roads i took to get to him. who will hold my heart and call it brave, call it reckless, call it precious.
but until i find him, i will continue to race down the freeway, beating on the sides of cars with an open palm and teasing a little more speed out of splintered feet. until i find that someone, i will throw back my head and leap into the middle of the sun. i will burn myself alive, burn away my fears and swallow the word fearless to let it slip into my bloodstream.
until i find him: i will live, i will love, i will be heedlessly wild.
i'll be foolish, i'll be thoughtless, but i'll know where my pulse is.
and i'll know what it means to risk it all.