i need you to put down the pencil and listen to me for a second. i need you to pause your breath and tune to my frequency. because im throwing my heart on the airwaves and i need you to be alive to hear it. i need you to follow my words even when theyre stumbling, tripping, falling on their face.
this is just going to take a second. i promise.
i think you should know that when i woke up today i was tangled in morning breath and your whispers. i think you should know that im dreaming with swollen lips and bleeding cheeks because i keep biting down to stop myself from saying whats on my mind. i think you should know my mouth is betraying me and when i brush it off, what i mean is, please, for the love of everything, know that i am terrified.
and, i think you should know, despite the fact that i am trembling with needs, i dont want it. i dont want to count down the seconds and drag out my day. i dont want to have to constantly dislodge my heart from the back of my throat when you dont even know that you jammed it there. i dont want to write instructions on how to breathe on my walls because suddenly im constantly needing a reminder.
i dont want this.
because it blindsided me, it plucked me off my track and threw me into another orbit. i was happy with where i was going and suddenly im holding my head between my hands with my tongue getting stuck in the whys. im beating my dashboard because i didnt ask for this. im incoherent and confused and blindfolded and lost in the middle of the city.
you should know i could pick better. if i wanted to trip like this, id find someone safe. id find someone with arms around my waist who would make sure i didnt slam my jaw on the concrete. not this. i wouldnt choose to fall without a net. i wouldnt choose to choke up my heart and spit it out at your feet. but i didnt choose, my tires slipped on the black ice and im careening out of control. i dont have a choice, im pretending to clutch the wheel but no one knows better than me that im going to crash into the center divider.
i guess what im saying is: i need you.
i guess what you need to know is: it makes me mad as hell.